Your Estate … with James Ward: It’s never easy to lie to a loved one, but sometimes it’s necessary

Besides being prepared with the right documents, search out support groups such as the Alzheimer’s Association.

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By James Ward

You very likely grew up with your mother. If not, then it was probably with your father or grandparents.

They probably drilled it into you that you should never lie. And you probably heard the story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and telling the truth, even though he shouldn’t have chopped down the tree, because he could not tell a lie.

Well, what happens when your parent, or even a spouse, develops dementia and asks the same question again and again in just a few minutes? What happens when you have to coerce the elder to do something so you can take care of them, or so the entire family unit can continue to function?

Sometimes you have to lie. It’s not easy, but this is what I’ve been told by some professional coaches who specialize in dealing with people who have dementia or Alzheimer’s.

I remember one woman who met with me for nearly an hour, and then abruptly stood up to leave while her children were still speaking with me about estate planning and how to protect their mother. She stood by her chair with her purse in hand and was ready to go. I asked if she was OK, and her response was, “Well, they said they’d take me to Applebee’s for lunch if I came to meet with the attorney, and now I want to go to lunch.” — That was a very mild case of coercion.

The woman still knew what she was doing, and what she wanted, but she hadn’t wanted to leave her home unless a lunch invitation was involved.

As people progress through a mental decline, others around them have to realize the person in front of them is no longer the same person they knew before.

That’s the best way I know to describe it. Why would a sweet, elderly woman change to a person who openly cursed her husband, children, and grandchildren? Why would a calm, elderly person suddenly experience outrages and want to commit violent acts against close family members? Their brains are changing, and each person who experiences a decline will respond differently.

I imagine it’s like people who get drunk. Some go quiet and fall asleep, and others go wild and dance on the tables or get violent. Watching a loved one decline is very difficult. Living with that person and experiencing it hourly is even more difficult.

Of course, with my profession, I’m interested in everyone having the right estate planning documents in place long before those documents are needed, and we’re constantly presented with cases where things suddenly went wrong and there were no legal documents in place — think stroke, car accident, or heart attack.

But what about dementia? This rarely comes on suddenly, but sometimes families are slow to act, and then they bring the elder to me when it’s too late for the person to sign. They already lack the capacity to make decisions.

Besides being prepared with the right documents, I recommend people search out support groups such as the Alzheimer’s Association. These groups are generally run by experienced and trained professionals. Yes, maybe they’ll encourage you to lie to the elder to make life easier for everyone.

It’s never easy, but these professionals have a lot of ideas that can be incredibly useful when dealing with someone experiencing dementia.